INTRODUCTION: Over the course of my avocation as an Amazon customer reviewer, I’ve received many unfriendly e-mails from folks regarding my reviews. Fortunately for me, I find hate e-mail to be an excellent and therapeutic source of amusement. Few things entertain me more than perusing the spiteful rants of oversensitive, P.O.’d fanboys who take my opinions way too seriously. Thanks to this masochistic streak in me that revels in the scorn and contempt of others, I’ve decided to give you the lowdown on how to properly craft and send electronic hate mail to an Amazon customer reviewer!

STEP ONE: You’ll require a reason to send hate mail, which means you’ll have to read customer reviews until you find one that really gets your goat. An especially effective ire-sparking catalyst is a negative review of something you like. If you need a jump-start in this department, check out my write-ups for the following:

- My thoughts on Weird Al’s 'UHF' has garnered its fair share-- and then some!-- of Not-Helpful votes and nasty e-correspondence!

- If you’re into the music of Rage Against The Machine, you’ll definitely be raging at my write-up for: 'Rage Against the Machine'!

- For the 'Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace (Widescreen Edition)' geekazoids, my feelings about the movie will definitely grab your attention as well as your lifelong hatred!

- I’ve also scribed a shot at 'Touched By an Angel - 1st & 100th Episodes (Collectors' Edition)' that has turned a few of the show’s fans against me. And judging from the e-mails I've received from some of these folks, this show's sappy messages of love and understanding are just not getting through to some people...

- Then there’s my 'Star Trek - The Motion Picture (The Director's Edition)'-bash that’s sure to get any self-respecting UberTrekkie’s panties in a bunch! And if you’re a NextGenner who actually likes Wuss-ley Crusher, take a gander at my write-ups of 'Star Trek The Next Generation - The Complete First Season', 'Star Trek - The Next Generation, Episode 9: Justice', 'Star Trek - The Next Generation, Episode 14: Datalore', 'Star Trek - The Next Generation, Episode 83: Final Mission' and 'Star Trek - The Next Generation, Episode 172: Journey's End'!

PLEASE NOTE: If you can’t find my reviews on their respective item pages, go to my ‘About You’ page and look them up under the various subject headings along the left side.

STEP TWO: Now that your dander is up, it’s time for you to compose your e-mail. Bookmark (or copy & paste onto your fave word processing program) the review in question for quick reference whilst you’re bangin’ out your little message of love and understanding! But before you commence, do your best to make your write-up as eloquent and lucid as possible. There's nothing more pathetic than a piece of e-correspondence that simply states, “The (item the reviewer ripped on) RAWKZ NADZ!” If you’re gonna tear the recipient a new one, then for God’s sake put some effort into it! And let’s try to keep the misspellings and grammatical errors down to a minimum, please!

Another thing you must consider before you begin is the tack you want your message to take. What thoughts & feelings are you trying to convey to the reviewer? What’s your reasoning behind your e-mail? This is where the format comes in. You’ll want a format that best fits your attitude and feelings towards the recipient and his opinions. To help you out with this phase of the process, I’ve included several of the most common hate e-mail formats:

- FLAUNT YOUR OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR INTELLECT: Inform the reviewer that he just didn’t 'get' what said movie/music was all about, and that he has to really pay attention to see its underlying message and/or meaning. Then tell him how it works on ‘many different levels’, or some such pretentious nonsense. Finish it off by saying that anybody who doesn’t see the subtle underlying message(s) and/or meaning(s) is an absolute Neanderthal nincompoop with the intellectual capacity of a retarded gnat.

- THE HOW-CAN-YOU-BE-A-FAN-OF-THE-OTHER-WORKS-BUT-NOT-THIS-ONE? PLOY: With this particularformat, you state your disbelief over how the critic could trash a particular piece of a specific genre of TV/film/music/etc entertainment, and yet can still somehow enjoy the rest of the genre. Then tell him that he’s just a fair-weather fan/poser who jumped on the bandwagon when the whole thing got popular whilst you’ve been a true fan who was in it from the very start.

- THE QUIT-YOUR-BELLYACHING REJOINDER: With this format, you tell the reviewer to stop being such a sniveling little whiner about what a particular product is lacking. Then let him know how grateful he should be that said product was made at all, and that he should kneel down and kiss the boots of those who made the release of the item possible.

- THE WHY-WASTE-YOUR-TIME RETORT: Ask the reviewer why he wasted his time writing a negative review about a particular item if he didn't like it? Follow this up by telling him that he must lead a truly lonely and empty existence. Of course, you’re completely ignoring the fact that you’ll waste several minutes of your own time writing out an e-mail telling somebody that they shouldn’t be wasting their time (the term “pot calling the kettle black” definitely falls into play here).

- THE AD-HOMINEM ATTACK- Tell the reviewer how much you hated his review, then go off on a complete tangent and attack him personally, rather than the content of his write-up. Include insults and epithets regarding the recipient’s personality, attitude and physical appearance as well as shots at his family & friends. Top it all off with a pompous armchair psychoanalysis of the reviewer’s obviously poor mental state.

- THE FRUIT-LOOP DICTATION: Inform the reviewer that his words have offended one or more of your multiple personalities and/or voices in your head, and that you’re writing on its/their behalf. Round the letter out by mentioning the medical cocktail that barely keeps you in control, your reminiscences of riding the little van-bus to school, and the alien-transmission-blocking properties of aluminum foil.

- THE NOT-HELPFUL VOTE OVERLOAD: Let the reviewer know that you hated his review, and that you’re rallying the help of several other registered Amazon users to put a whole buncha ‘not helpful’ votes on all of his pieces! Afterwards, just sit back and await your imminent expulsion from Amazon after being reported by the reviewer!

STEP THREE: After composing the e-mail-- don't forget the spelling- & grammar-check!-- hit ‘Send’.

STEP FOUR (Optional): Should you receive a reply from the reviewer, you might want to send a counter-reply. To do this, repeat Steps Two and Three. Although it's not required, I recommend you use the same e-mail format for your counter-reply that you did for your original message.

STEP FIVE(Optional): After composing and correcting your new reply, hit Send.

STEP SIX (Optional): If the reviewer sends a reply to your counter-reply, simply repeat Steps Four and Five.

STEP SEVEN(Optional): Etc., etc.

...And that concludes my guide on how to compose and send a proper hate e-mail to an Amazon reviewer. If you didn’t much care for my little spiel, couldn’t bear to look at it, or thought it just plain sucked… I couldn’t care less! But if you feel the need to write me about it, I await your correspondence with bells on! Lord knows I could use a good laugh right about now…