Your job as a parent is to help your child become the best he or she can be. This means nurturing your child in a way that shapes his or her nature to the child's advantage. The toys you select for your child can help you do this. A shy child might benefit from toys that require interaction with other people--such as board games that use the thinking skills she excels in but that are played with a partner. If your child is very expressive and gifted in magical or fantasy thinking, puppets are props that enable the child to act out her thoughts. A very active or aggressive child probably should not have an assortment of toy weapons at his disposal. Instead, think sports equipment or skates or balls--toys that channel energy away from violent play. If you feel that an aggressive child needs to learn more about caring for others, your first thought may be to give that child a baby doll or a teddy bear. But will he play with it? Instead, try toys that encourage caregiving activities on a heroic scale--equipment to play police officer (minus the gun) or firefighter.

How can a grandparent, a relative, or a special friend of a child make this fantasy come true? It takes more than a credit card. The first thing to consider is what your goal is. Do you want to dazzle the child and establish yourself as forever cool in this little one's heart and mind? Do you want to help out parents whose budget doesn't have much left over for toy purchases? Do you want to give the toy that tops this week's wish list or the one that will stand the test of time? These are all good goals--but one gift may not meet them all.

Next, go to the source: ask the child for several ideas for gifts. Then talk to the child's parents. Mom or Dad can tell you whether the extravagant toy that little Billy yearns for is likely to sit on the shelf once the birthday party is over. Parents often have wish lists of their own for their children, and if you're in a position to help out with some of the big-ticket toys, you'll earn their gratitude. They may also have some ideas for new playthings that the child himself may never have considered--but that are bound to be a big hit.

Some gifts call for parental consent before purchase: anything that's alive, anything that will take up lots of space, anything that makes a lot of noise. Respect parents' feelings about guns, video games, and fashion dolls. A well-chosen gift will make everyone happy--and not just for a few moments.

Children regard relatives as "special," so the toy you select should reflect this specialness. Attach a personal note to your gift, such as: "We know how much you love music so we got these music blocks just for you." Love messages tell children you care enough to know what they need.

The ability to share is not a measure of a child's altruism. It's a developmental skill, part of mastering the social complexities of cooperative play. Two-year-olds, 3-year-olds, and even 4-year-olds prefer parallel play, when children play side by side, but each does his or her own thing. Two-year-olds who are just learning the meaning and power of the word "Mine!" can't be expected to understand the concept of sharing. Three-year-olds may not yet be able to understand that playing together requires give as well as take. While it's not wise to control your child's play, you can monitor the setting. The "mine" stage of toy possessiveness is a normal passing phase of toddler play, and here's how you can help lessen annoying play squabbles. Try the toy Ts:

Take turns Sometimes you have to be a referee, handing each child a toy, setting a timer, and then announcing it's time for the other child to play with the toy.

Trade Ask parents of other children to bring over a few of their own toys when they come to visit. Capitalize on the grass-is-always-greener attitude: children like to play with another child's toys. When the child arrives with his bag of toys, announce: "Now it's time to trade." Since possession means ownership, sharing does not come naturally to preschool children unless, of course, they see that giving up one toy gets them another.

Time-out If toy tantrums persist, time-out the toy and/or the players. "I want both of you to sit on the bench until you can play nicely." Or, try: "I'm going to put the toy up on the shelf until you learn how to play nicely with it." If toy squabbles continue, besides separating the players, use humor--"If you kids want to fight like dogs, I'll build you a doghouse and you can play in it."

Providing some structure makes it easier for children to share. Before a friend comes over to play, talk to your child about which toys will be shared. Put away special toys that your child might not want to share. If certain toys inevitably cause arguments, put those away, too.

Toy tantrums also may occur with the child who is so engrossed in play that he refuses to give up the toys to click into your agenda. Here's a toy-tantrum-preventing trick we used with one of our children who became so hyperfocused in his toys that he would protest if we too quickly interrupted his play. Instead, we gave him advance notice and an opportunity to sign out: "Matthew, say bye-bye to the cars, bye-bye to the blocks, bye-bye to the balls."

Another way to handle toy squabbles is called the "law of the jungle"--throw your child into the pack and let him struggle for survival. The one who shoves the hardest and grabs the most keeps the toys. This scene is an aggressor's heaven. This approach has problems. The more passive child either withdraws from social play because he can't handle the aggression or rises to the occasion and fights back. In this case, the soft get hard and the hard get harder. The aggressive child learns that aggression pays, and the gentler child learns that gentleness doesn't. Parents, act as referees. Soften this scene.

Sharing doesn't mean your child has to be a doormat when others demand to use things that are hers. When it comes to play, be sure you understand the difference between aggression--meaning infringing on someone else's territory, and assertiveness--protecting your own turf. Teach your child to speak up for herself and to come to you for assistance when toy arrangements don't seem fair. If you respect your child's "toy rights," it will be easier for your child to learn to respect the property of others.

Information on toy packaging will tell you a lot about toy safety. When the label says that a toy is not recommended for children under 3, safety is the reason. The toy may have small parts or strings and cords that can cause choking or strangulation. Labels will also warn you if a toy marketed for older children may be hazardous to a younger child. When big brother's toy has lots of little parts, parents must pay special attention so that baby sister doesn't put those pieces in her mouth. Labels will also warn parents about appropriate age groups for toys that require electricity or for toys, such as chemistry sets, that have other dangers.

Parents should be aware of how their children play with their toys. Toys and mobiles suspended over a crib are fine for newborns, but when a baby starts to pull up onto hands and knees (around 5 months of age), these must be removed because baby could get dangerously tangled in the toy. To avoid injuries, children need parental guidance in playing with projectiles--toys that fling a missile, a dart, or an arrow into the air. New toys often require new rules and close supervision. Besides physical risk, avoid toys that have a high social and emotional risk, such as those that promote violence and stereotypes of race or gender.

Check your children's toys periodically. Parts can break off leaving sharp edges or points. Repair toys promptly or throw them away before someone gets hurt.

Ten Tips for Choosing Safe Toys:

• Inspect toys frequently for sharp edges, splinters, or removable and chokable parts. Safe toys may become unsafe through wear and tear.
• Avoid toys with dangling strings longer than 8 inches.
• Keep unsafe toys, such as balloons, beads, or chokable blocks out of reach of young children who tend to mouth toys.
• Do not allow other children to use loud toys, such as cap guns, around babies, since they may damage hearing.
• Match the toy with the temperament. If your child is a thrower, get soft cloth or foam toys.
• Remove dangling crib toys once baby is old enough to push up on his hands and knees.
• Before buying a toy, bend it a bit to see how breakable the plastic is. Be careful, plastic toys are thin, brittle, and likely to break easily, leaving sharp or jagged edges.
• Avoid letting babies and toddlers play with uninflated balloons, or those that have popped, which can cause choking. Always supervise play with an inflated balloon.
• Throw away suffocation-causing plastic wrapping as quickly as possible when unpacking toys.
• Store toys properly. Avoid toy chests with attached lids that can fall on a child and cause injury and strangulation. Toy shelves are much safer and teach the developing child a sense of order.