Wuss Rock

To be a poser, what you need to do more than anything is find some fresh-scrubbed twenty-something rich kids with acoustic guitars out to beat everyone over the head with how sensitive they are. Having perfected the art of making the Dave Matthews Band sound like The Clash, John Mayer is the king of this genre, so make sure to pick up copies of 'Room for Squares' and 'Heavier Things', so all your friends will be impressed that you listen to music with "substance." Jason Mraz is also making a mark on the scene with his horribly inane singles "The Remedy" and "You And I Both," so you'd better grab 'Waiting for My Rocket to Come' to ensure that everyone knows you're up on what's hip this week.

Bands to avoid: The Shins and Spoon. Sure, they use acoustic guitars in their songs, but they have somewhat fresh and diverse sounds, and they're nowhere near self-absorbed or edgeless enough to achieve true commercial success.

Bad alterna-lite

This is perhaps the king of the poser genres. Alterna-lite typically attracts college-age preppies who think alternative music originated with Nirvana and have never even heard of bands like Husker Du, the Replacements, and the Pixies. Alterna-lite "fans" are typically the same people who buy up wuss-rock CD's by the millions and would probably listen to Nigerian tribal music if modern rock radio started playing it. This genre is typically marked by an utter lack of originality, song structures stolen directly from the Nirvana and Pearl Jam songbooks, boring-as-heck guitar riffs, and horrific power ballads written solely for radio airplay. Some recommendations for your alterna-lite collection: Nickelback ('The Long Road'), Puddle Of Mudd ('Come Clean'), and of course the oh-so-sensitive Staind ('14 Shades of Grey (with Limited Edition Bonus DVD)'). These three bands are arguably the worst and most prominent of the alterna-lite bands, but it seems a new one pops up every week. Since I stopped listening to the radio about six months ago, there are probably a whole bunch more that I haven't even heard.

Bands to avoid: Pixies, Husker Du, Jane's Addiction, Faith No More, Sonic Youth.
Some of these bands' songs are actually somewhat challenging to listen to, which we just can't have, can we?

Nu-metal

While not quite as grating as alterna-lite, nu-metal has managed to alienate serious music fans while establishing a huge following among posers nationwide. Nu-metal draws on two equally large and irritating constituencies: 98-pound teenagers who mistakenly think they're rebellious, and yuppies and preppies who want to impress their friends by listening to something "extreme." An easy analogy is to say that nu-metal is to metal what alterna-lite is to alternative: a simple, boring, and typically unoriginal imitation dressed up for radio airplay. "Heavy" bands that posers tend to gravitate to include Disturbed ('Believe') , Trapt ('Trapt'), and the ubiquitous Linkin Park ('Meteora') .

Bands to avoid: Meshuggah, Soilent Green, the Dillinger Escape Plan, Burnt By The Sun, and Strapping Young Lad. These real metal bands all play music that is far too intense and complex for nu-metal addled ears. They actually know how to play their instruments, and that's just not gonna fly. They don't even get played on the radio!

Conclusion

Well, there you have it. I realize this guide is just an introduction, but if you read it and make sure to get everything on it, you'll be well on your way to being the kind of shallow, dull music "fan" whose collection is the envy of all the other shoppers at American Eagle. Happy listening!