INTRODUCTION: I know what’cher thinking… you’re sayin’ to yourself, “what kinda sick weirdo puts together even ONE guide on how to write hate e-mail, let alone THREE?!” I’ll tell ya what kinda sick weirdo: one that actually enjoys receiving and reading hate e-mail! In my dark, depraved and deformed little world, there’re few things more entertaining than perusing the venomous and spiteful jabberings of highly-sensitive, overly-full-of-themselves fanboys who take my opinions way too seriously!

And away we go…

STEP ONE: You’ll require a reason to send hate mail, which means you’ll have to read customer reviews until you find one that really gets your goat. An especially effective ire-sparking catalyst is a negative review of something you like. If you need a jump-start in this department, check out my write-ups for the following:

'OXO Good Grips 20081 Swivel Peeler', dated November 27, 2002;

'Men in Black II (Widescreen Special Edition)', dated July 11, 2002;

'The Punisher', dated January 11, 2002;

'Out of This World', dated December 30, 2001;

'Spy Hard', dated November 6, 2001

STEP TWO: Now that your dander is up, it’s time for you to compose your e-mail. Start out by bookmarking the review in question (or copying & pasting it onto your fave word processing program) for quick reference whilst you’re bangin’ out your little message of love and understanding! But before you commence, please do your best to make your message as eloquent and lucid as possible. There's nothing more pathetic than a piece of correspondence that simply states, “(item the reviewer didn’t like) H3LLA OWNZ!!!” If you’re gonna tear the recipient a new one, then for God’s sake put some effort into it! And let’s try to keep the misspellings and grammatical errors down to a minimum, please!

Another thing you must consider before you begin is the tack you want your message to take. What thoughts & feelings are you trying to convey to the reviewer? What’s your reasoning behind your e-mail? This is where the format comes in. You’ll want a format that best fits your attitude and feelings towards the recipient and his opinions. To help you out with this phase of the process, I’ve included several of the more popular hate e-mail formats (see my other two Hate E-Mail guides for more format suggestions):

- THE “I’M-WRITING-THIS-ENTIRE-HATE-MAIL-IN-BOLD-CAPS-AND-ADDING-EXTRA-EXCLAMATION-POINTS-TO-THE-END-OF-ALL-MY-SENTENCES-TO SHOW-YOU-HOW-P.O.’D-I-AM-ABOUT-YOUR-STUPID-REVIEW!!!” DIN: The title of this format pretty much says it all. It’s tantamount to screaming at the top of your lungs, except you’re doing it in script rather than verbally. (Special thanks to Jeff Leach for suggesting this format!)

- The “Now-They’ll-Never-Release-It-On-DVD-Thanks-to-You” Whine (Please Note: This particular format is reserved for movies and TV shows that have been released on VHS, but haven’t been put on DVD yet): Let the reviewer know that his negative thoughts on your fave flick could very well keep it from ever getting released on DVD, then make no attempt to explain how you came to this conclusion (remember, there’s no place for logic or rationality in hate-mail writing)!

- The “Fun-With-Four-Letter-Words” Diatribe (FAIR WARNING! I personally do not care if you send ME e-mails that contain profanity, but as a general rule I do NOT recommend you use this particular format, unless you wanna run the risk of gettin’ kicked off of your ISP for violating their Terms of Use policy regarding verbal abuse!): Let the reviewer know how much of a […]ing piece of […] he is for rippin’ on the item in question. Then proceed to tell him that he should […] his […]ing […] with a […],and his mother too! And if he doesn’t like it, he can go[…], […], and […]! Or something to that effect…

SIDEBAR TO THIS FORMAT: Are you looking to beef up your vocabulary of vulgarities? If so, then take a look at George Carlin’s “Incomplete List of Impolite Words”, which you can find between the pages of 'Sometimes a little brain damage can help'-- granted you can actually find a copy of it, of course...

- The “A-Pox-Upon-Thee-For-Thy-Blasphemy!!!” Curse: Tell the reviewer he either deserves a slow, painful death through a particularly nasty terminal malady (AIDS, Cancer, & Alzheimer’s are the most popular), or he needs to suffer from some debilitating disease (MS, Parkinson’s, etc.) for the rest of his life as a result of his negative write-up of one of your favorite products. (Another shout-out to Jeff Leach for suggesting this format!)

- The “Rally-the-Troops-and-Attack-in-Force” Blitz: Let your like-minded net-buddies know about the review in question and your intention to give the reviewer a piece of your mind. After giving them the lowdown, solicit their assistance in your campaign of all-out flame-warfare by asking them to compose and send their own hate mail. Add a touch of the ol’ ‘United-We-Stand’ spirit by having you and your web-friends send your e-mails to the target in unison! THAT’LL show him a thing or two…

- The “Sarcastic-Condescending-and-Patronizing-I’m-Just-Trying-To-Help-You” Low Blow: Tell the reviewer his way of conveying his thoughts and opinions on the product being reviewed will make him look like an idiot to most of the people who will read it. <Sarcasm> And you know this to be true because you’re a veritable (yet uncertified) expert on public opinion</Sarcasm>. Then tell him his work lacks subtlety, <More Sarcasm>which is something that EVERY Halfvalue customer appreciates, because they just can’t hack reviewers being up-front about the item they’re critiquing </More Sarcasm>. Top it all off with a finishing insult to injury by stating, in a very condescending manner, that you’re only trying to help him improve his reviewing skills and abilities by pointing out his “flaws”.

STEP THREE: After composing the e-mail (don't forget the spelling- & grammar-check), hit ‘Send’.

STEP FOUR (Optional): Should you receive a reply from the reviewer, you might want to send a counter-reply. To do this, simply repeat Steps Two and Three. Although it's not required, I recommend you use the same e-mail format for your counter-reply that you did for your original message.

STEP FIVE(Optional): After composing and correcting your new reply, hit Send.

STEP SIX (Optional): If the reviewer sends a reply to your counter-reply, simply repeat Steps Four and Five.

STEP SEVEN(Optional): … yadda-yadda-yadda.

...And that concludes my third guide on how to compose and send a proper hate e-mail to an Halfvalue reviewer. If you didn’t much care for my little spiel, couldn’t bear to look at it, or thought it just plain sucked… well, that’s too freakin’ bad! But if you feel the need to write me about it, I await your message with bells on! C’mon, give me what I want… I dares ya!

‘Late