It's been at least a year (maybe 3?) since I wrote the first 6 "how-to" guides. I had a bout of temporary madness I'm afraid... forgot to heed my own advice and dove too quickly into the books with the big words. So, back to bootcamp.

I think we need to spew a bit of profanity - exorcise any demons that may dwell inside. This is often a good exercise to perform to regain your sanity and control in the rare, though all too common, times of loss.

The art of spewing profanity is more difficult than you may think. Ask Samuel L. Jackson - the foot f$%#ing master! To help us develop our art so that we can properly repel the sh*t that tries so damn hard to stick to our person, books such as 'Watch Your F*cking Language : How to swear effectively, explained in explicit detail and enhanced by numerous examples taken from everyday life' , 'Swearing' , and the international collection of words that include 'Drek: The Real Yiddish Your Bubbe Never Taught You' hold great promise.

A Brief Trip with the Hoighty-Toighty Intellectuals

It may be useful to explore the academics of swearing with 'Lies, Slander and Obscenity in Medieval English Literature : Pastoral Rhetoric and the Deviant Speaker (Cambridge Studies in Medieval Literature)', 'The Anatomy of Swearing', 'Profanity, Obscenity & the Media: The Language of Journalism (Language of Journalism)' and 'Cursing in America: A Psycholinguistic Study of Dirty Language in the Courts, in the Movies, in the Schoolyards and on the Streets'. This provides our brain with a backdrop of high-falutin' knowledge that will doubtfully do anything for our art but will perhaps provide us with something to spew about when wondering how many of these authors earned their doctorates for their work.

Historical language books, however, are a source of fascinating reading on the subject of obscenities. Suggestions include 'A History Of Cant And Slang Dictionaries: 1785-1858', 'Blasphemy', 'F-Word, The', 'Slang Through the Ages', 'Word Crimes : Blasphemy, Culture, and Literature in Nineteenth-Century England', 'Blasphemy: Verbal Offense Against the Sacred, from Moses to Salman Rushdie' and 'War Slang: American Fighting Words and Phrases Since the Civil War'. I was utterly amazed to learn some of the words that were once considered blasphemous and often punished with confinement, fines and/or physical torture.

Also of note, and worthy of a spot on the shelf, are reference books that
you can dive into time and again whenever you feel the need for improvement. Richard Spears seems to be a specialist in this area.. and good o'nem! 'Slang and Euphemism (Signet Reference)', 'NTC's Super-Mini Forbidden American English', 'Depraved and Insulting English', 'Common American Phrases in Everyday Contexts: A Detailed Guide to Real-Life Conversation and Small Talk', 'Cassell's Dictionary of Slang', 'Dictionary of Obscenity, Taboo & Euphemism (Wordsworth Reference)', 'Hip-Hop Rhyming Dictionary', 'The Slang of Sin (Lighter Side of Language)', 'Talking Dirty: a Bawdy Compendium of Abusive Language, Outrageous Insults and Wicked Jokes' and 'Wicked Words : A Treasury of Curses, Insults, Put-Downs, and Other Formerly Unprintable Terms from Anglo-Saxon Times to the Present' are all worth a dip.

Virtue or Vice?
(Rhetorical question... I already know the answer, a$$hole.

I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that some people find profanity offensive. What you may not know however is that a small segment of these people have written books on what they consider sinful and/or a sign of bad (or lazy) character. "Trash-talkin', potty-mouthed, to-hell-in-a-handbasket hippies", that's what we are (among other things these people are simply not willing to utter.) 'Cuss Control : The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing', 'Bad Habits: Drinking, Smoking, Taking Drugs, Gambling, Sexual Misbehavior, and Swearing in American History (American Social Experience, No 28)', 'What did you really say?: Understanding the destructive effects of profanity' and 'What to Do When Your Students Talk Dirty' will offer you a taste of the enemy.

Yet others see the virtue in a well structured, colorful, not-quite grammatically correct sentence. The verbal gymnastics of "cussin' like a sailor" (or a railroad worker apparently) is heralded in books such as 'English as a Second F*cking Language : How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life', 'Endangered Pleasures: In Defense of Naps, Bacon, Martinis, Profanity, and Other Indulgences', 'The Big Book Of Filth: 6500 Sex Slang Words and Phrases', 'Fuck Grammar. The little sexy grammar for students of English' and 'Swear Like a Trooper: A Dictionary of Military Terms & Phrases'.

Of course there are the fence-sitters; the agnostics - those who aren't sure about the value of profanity. Some consider profanity to be akin to condiments; a word or two used to complement the larger, more significant picture - a sprinkle here and there to decorate a paragraph but not art for its own sake. There are also those who consider the utterers to lack the necessary vocabulary and intellect to choose better words. Or, are simply unable to control their passions or exercise any discipline over their basest behaviors. I poo poo them all. Swear words are neither a fashion accessory nor a sign of stupidity or immorality. To the agnostics I say, you're either with us or against us and if you're against us, get the hell out of our way or be the subject of our wrath (and ridicule) ... mofos.

A Cultural Tour de F*$%ing Force

Sadly, with the democratization of our world, we no longer have atour hands a rich and long list of words to choose from. Freedom does have it's price, my friends. Blashphemy is no longer illegal (though some religious fundie did try to reintroduce it as such in the state of New York a mere 5 years ago!) As you'll find in the historical books referenced above, those fortunate to live in earlier, darker times, had reems of the stuff to choose from. This is why we may find it beneficial to explore a more global perspective of bad words.

Not only will such an adventure provide us with a more powerful arsenal to command at will but, in those rare instances when we really must behave, we may find that the foreign words and phrases offer an alternative without comprimising our position within society. 'Merde! : The Real French You Were Never Taught at School' , 'Scheisse : The Real German You Were Never Taught in School', 'Merda! : The Real Italian You Were Never Taught in School', 'Dermo!: The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used', 'Zakennayo!: The Real Japanese You Were Never Taught in School' and
'Mierda! : The Real Spanish You Were Never Taught in School' make a fine collection. There are many other series to choose from as well, 'Dictionary of Russian Slang & Colloquial Expressions' and 'Street Spanish 3 : The Best of Naughty Spanish' for example. Another recent find is 'International Dictionary of Obscenities: A Guide to Dirty Words and Indecent Expressions in Spanish, Italian, French, German and Russian'.

Important to the development of the global perspective is the necessary linguistic apparatus to optimize impact. The rolling of the Rs in French and Spanish, the guttural sounds of German and an appreciation of the umlaut, as well as the projectile saliva when speaking Russian, are among the skills worthy of mastering.

Of course, in the worst case scenario where someone does understand you and punishment may loom on your horizon there is a last resort ... Tourette Syndrome. Along with a twitch or two and you can rest assured that your future is safe should you desire to lose utter control and rifle off a string of obscenities. To make yourself convincing, study the following: 'Motherless Brooklyn', 'Don't Think About Monkeys. Extraordinary Stories Written by People with Tourette Syndrome', 'Clumsy Child Syndromes: Descriptions, Evaluation and Remediation', 'Hi, I'm Adam: A Child's Book About Tourette Syndrome' and 'Twitch and Shout: A Touretter's Tale'. Though 'On the form of convulsive tic associated with corprolalia, etc' appears promising it doesn't seem to be available.

Originally I had finished this particular "how to" guide in what I considered its entirety and had planned to move on from the art of spewing profanity. However, I learned I had surpassed my limit of ISBNs. And so... we shall enjoy a "part two" of profanity (because it truly is a well proven treatment against the ills of the brain), in "part eight" of our survival guides.